3 Steps to Proactive Self-Care for Helpers

If you’re in a helping role, you’ve probably asked yourself this question of self-care: How can I stay well while doing the difficult work of supporting others?

But as helpers, paying attention to our own well-being often gets pushed to the back burner. This is because most of our focus is on helping other people take better care of themselves or make good choices in their lives.

There are many messages out there about how to do self-care. One that’s often assumed by those of us in helping roles is that we should only take care of ourselves after we’re done our work with other people. Self-care is seen as something we do after work hours, or on our own time – when we can relax at a spa, go out with a friend, or finally pick up some groceries so we can cook at home.

One message that’s often assumed by those of us in helping roles is that we should only take care of ourselves after we’re done our work with other people.

Although these types of activities can absolutely improve our well-being, they’ll likely only have short-term benefits. To strengthen and sustain our well-being while we support others, we need to expand and deepen our approach to self-care.

What if helping others was part of our self-care practice?

In order to transform our work into a form of self-care, we need to apply this intention before and during our workday. What follows are three steps to help you build this into your routine.

01 | Pay attention to your state before your workday.

As with most things, making our work a part of our self-care starts with awareness. Consider the following questions before you go to work:

• What are your routines?
• What do you notice about how you feel?
• What are you looking forward to?
• What are you dreading or avoiding?
• Where do you anticipate the stress in your day?

Just as we put on our work clothes for the day, we tend to anticipate what might be difficult and also put on our “work mask” or “armour.” How we approach our day can shape our expectations.

If we’re expecting to need to shield ourselves from difficult or stressful situations at work, we’re putting a lot of energy into something that hasn’t happened yet.

If we’re expecting to need to shield ourselves from difficult or stressful situations at work, we’re putting a lot of energy into something that hasn’t happened yet. If we do this automatically and mindlessly, often we are priming ourselves to absorb stress in the exact same way we always do. And then when we come out of “work mode,” we realize how much energy it takes to hold everything at bay, including what’s happening right in front of us.

What if you flipped the script?

Imagine how would you feel if you knew you were going to have a great day at work? One you could feel good about when it’s over. What is your state of mind when you think about this?

When I imagine having a great day, I feel my shoulders go down, and I feel more awake and energized. I still have my work armour ready, but it’s more like a jacket slung over the side of the chair than a full metal suit – I can grab it if I need to instead of carrying its full weight throughout my day. 

Tap into the physical, mental, and emotional state that you notice when you imagine your great day. What are one or two things you can do to shift your body and mind into this state? It might be opening your chest and breathing in an open, fluid way. Or it could be some self-talk or connection with a colleague to set the tone of friendliness or hopefulness. Or maybe it’s a walk with your dog to notice the morning temperature, breathe in the fresh air, and appreciate something you love about your life.

02 | Acknowledge the impact of your work while it’s happening.

As helpers, we are often taught how to manage our own experiences so they don’t affect the person we are supporting. We learn to control our facial expressions, posture, and body language to create a welcoming and open environment. But by doing this, we may unwittingly learn to suppress our feelings and constrain our own empathic responses. This can result in empathy strain, keeping us trapped in a pain circuit as we feel along with the other person, without any way to express or release this strain.

As helpers, we are often taught how to manage our own experiences so they don’t affect the person we are supporting.

To illustrate what this might look like, imagine sitting in a chair with your best listening face on. Your heart is open, and you’re working hard to actively listen and understand. Then, as the storm of emotion rushes out of the person you’re supporting, you feel like you’re being hit with a gust of icy wind while a torrential downpour of swirling rain crashes over you, pulling you down into the dark. You might feel stinging pellets of sharp details right in your chest. Yet somehow you’re supposed to stay calm, consistent, settled, and hopeful.

We all weather these storms (sometimes more successfully than others), but we don’t always recognize what a feat of mind over body this is. When we do this over and over, the impact can wear us down, either leaving us numb and hardened or drained and wrung out.

Allowing ourselves to internally acknowledge what we are feeling is an important step of honouring our own experience – and it gives us the option of what to do next. Although we may still hold the space steady for the other person, intentionally recognizing that we are also having an experience means we can be more congruent and honest with ourselves, lessening empathy strain as a result.

Allowing ourselves to internally acknowledge what we are feeling is an important step of honouring our own experience – and it gives us the option of what to do next.

03 | Pause and shift toward your preferred way of being.

Remember the first step. Choose one element of your preferred state that you can invite into this moment. What if you remember the bigger picture of why this role is important to you, even when you’re stressed?

For example, ground yourself by shifting your position to an openhearted posture. Take a deep breath in and out, feeling the solid ground underneath you to feel connected to the larger world as you hold this moment. 

This kind of grounding can remind you that whatever conversation you’re heading into, or emotional storm you’re already in, is part of a much bigger picture. And your nervous system can shift into a place of compassion, openness, stability, and curiosity.  

Intentionally weaving these three self-care steps into your day can create a strengthening buffer against the impacts of helping stress. And it creates a pattern of proactive self-care that can deepen the meaning of doing the work itself, rather than just surviving it.

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Be sure to download free, printable handouts from our new book, Self-Care Transformed, Co-authored by Vicki Enns and Marwa Fadol, the release date is November 27, 2023.

 

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