What I Learned When My Client Didn’t Trust Me

I still remember the uneasy silence that settled into the room during our first few sessions. My client – a young man in his early 20s who had recently emigrated from West Africa – sat with his arms crossed, his eyes avoiding mine, answering questions with as few words as possible.

As a counseling psychologist committed to client-centred work, I had always prided myself on my ability to establish rapport early on. But this was different. I could feel the distrust, the hesitation. And it wasn’t personal. Not exactly. It was something deeper – a quiet skepticism, shaped by culture, history, and perhaps by experiences he hadn’t yet named.

At first, I did what I thought would help: I reassured him that this space was safe. I emphasized confidentiality. I invited him to share at his own pace. But week after week, the wall remained. I could feel us circling each other, both trying to understand whether this relationship could hold the weight of his story. It took time, missteps, and eventually a shift in how I understood my role – not as the expert, but as a cultural learner and humble companion.

As I listened, I realized I had been moving too fast, assuming too much. I had viewed rapport-building as a task to complete rather than a slow trust earned.

The Turning Point

The shift happened subtly. One session, I noticed his eyes linger on a photograph on my bookshelf – an image of my own family taken at a restaurant after my niece’s baptism. My husband and son were wearing traditional Filipino barongs, while me and my daughters wore traditional Filipiniana boleros over our dresses. Something about the picture softened his expression. Tentatively, he asked if I was “part of something like that.” I shared a bit about my own background, being careful not to shift the focus away from him, but enough to create a bridge. That bridge mattered.

Over the next few sessions, I learned more about his community’s norms: The value placed on privacy, the deep importance of family hierarchy, and an ingrained skepticism of institutions, especially mental health systems, which were largely stigmatized where he grew up. He explained, with some embarrassment, that in his culture, talking to strangers – even professionals – about private family matters could be seen as a betrayal. The idea of therapy itself felt alien.

As I listened, I realized I had been moving too fast, assuming too much. I had viewed rapport-building as a task to complete rather than a slow trust earned. And I had underestimated the importance of my client seeing me not just as a counsellor, but as someone willing to sit in cultural humility.

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Lessons in Multicultural Competence

The APA Guidelines on Multicultural Education, Training, Research, Practice, and Organizational Change for Psychologists emphasizes the importance of understanding how one’s own cultural background and values may influence the therapeutic relationship.

Guideline One

It calls on psychologists to recognize and understand that they bring their own cultural assumptions into therapy. In my case, I assumed that a warm tone and empathic listening would naturally lead to trust. But those were tools rooted in my own cultural framework, not his.

Guideline Five

It urges psychologists to apply culturally appropriate skills in clinical practice. That meant adjusting my pace, allowing longer silences, respecting his desire not to “open up” until he was ready. I stopped asking certain questions, and instead, I reflected back what I was hearing, signaling that I could hold space for what he was not yet ready to say.

It also meant asking myself deeper questions:

• Who defines what a “successful session” looks like?
• What does healing mean in his cultural context?
• What assumptions am I bringing into the room?

Trust as a Shared Process

Eventually, our sessions began to change. He still guarded some parts of himself, but there were moments of clarity, glimpses of vulnerability. He told me about his mother’s resilience, his fears of being seen as weak, his struggle to balance the expectations of two very different worlds. And while we didn’t always find resolution, we found rhythm. That rhythm was built on mutual respect, slowness, and my willingness to make mistakes, apologize, and keep showing up.

One of the most important lessons I learned was that trust in therapy isn’t something owed to the clinician because of their credentials or good intentions. It’s something co-created. And for clients from culturally diverse backgrounds – particularly those who carry histories of systemic marginalization – it may take more time, more listening, and more humility on our part.

One of the most important lessons I learned was that trust in therapy isn’t something owed to the clinician because of their credentials or good intentions.

5 Key Takeaways for Practitioners

Cultural humility is more powerful than cultural competence.

It’s not about mastering facts about different cultures but about entering each therapeutic relationship with openness and a willingness to learn.

Pace matters.

What may feel like avoidance or resistance could actually be a culturally normative way of engaging. Trust the process.

Transparency and small disclosures can build bridges.

When done thoughtfully, sharing a piece of your own cultural identity can signal solidarity and safety.

Multicultural competence is ongoing.

It requires self-reflection, continued education, and frequent examination of your clinical assumptions.

Clients don’t owe us trust.

We must earn trust – slowly, respectfully, and on their terms. In the end, my client didn’t suddenly transform or have a breakthrough moment. But he stayed. And in staying, he taught me that trust isn’t a prerequisite for therapy – it’s a relationship we build, one session at a time, in the quiet space bet

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