4 Steps to Avoid Power Struggles in an Escalated Situation

Need to Know

• Power struggles rarely end well. When emotions are high and both people are trying to win, relationships often take a hit, and the real issue gets lost.
• Start by managing yourself. The quickest way to de-escalate a situation is to regulate your own emotions before trying to influence someone else’s.
• Focus on understanding, not winning. When you identify the real issue, stay focused on your goal, and set clear boundaries, you’re much more likely to find a solution that works for everyone.

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When Winning Becomes the Problem

Being in a situation where emotions are high and everyone feels like they have a point to prove or argument to win can be frustrating, stressful, and exhausting. No one wants to admit defeat and apologize; it would be better if the other person were to recognize you’ve been right all along. But in reality, constructive de-escalation of an argument or challenging situation rarely happens when there is a power struggle and both parties are looking to “win.”

I learned this lesson when my son was about five years old and it was time to leave the swimming pool. We were in the changing room, and I was trying to get him dressed, and he was screaming because he didn’t want to go. My temper was rising – I knew people were waiting for us, and in my mind, he just needed to accept that pool time was over.

Constructive de-escalation…rarely happens when there is a power struggle and both parties are looking to “win.”

A power struggle ensued.

I would try to put his clothes on, and he immediately pull them back off. You can probably guess how the rest of this story went. I didn’t know what to do, so I just stopped and stepped away to the end of the bench, letting him cry and scream.

This situation was not my best parenting moment, but once we both took a breath and calmed down a little, I looked at my son and tried to understand why he was so upset.

What My Son Was Really Upset About

From my son’s perspective, he was leaving something fun, going into the car, and driving home, which usually signaled less fun, and he didn’t know what was happening next.

When I stopped to consider the main issue, I think it was that he had a fear of missing out. The topic we were fighting about was getting dressed and leaving the pool. The real issue was his sadness, frustration, and fear around leaving something fun and transitioning to something unknown. I later discovered that transitions are an anxiety-provoking trigger for him.

In this situation, I was fully engaged in a power struggle, and it wasn’t getting either of us what we needed. Even as a parent where I had more control, strength, and cognitive ability than my five-year-old son, he held his ground and matched my energy. Power struggles in an escalated situation rarely end in a positive resolution. Someone wins, someone loses, feelings are hurt, and relationships are damaged.

Let me share a few tips that might help you avoid power struggles and allow you to safely de-escalate a situation and have it end in a positive way.

Why Power Struggles Don’t Work

1. Manage Yourself First

I think one of the most important factors of any conversation, escalated or not, is our ability to manage our emotions and behaviours in the moment. This isn’t always easy to do, but every interaction we have with someone teaches them how to treat us (what you will or won’t tolerate), how we will treat them (curiosity vs. blame), what we value (kindness and compassion vs. control and power), and whether we can be trustworthy people (keep their emotions safeguarded or make them feel bad). We do this communication formally, informally, subtly, and overtly through the clothes and artifacts we wear, our tone of voice, the words we say, how present we are in the moment, and how patient we are during the conversation.

When you enter into an escalated situation, your first step is always to check yourself first.

When you enter into an escalated situation, your first step is always to check yourself first. Just like with my son, I did not do this, and I let my emotions get high. By continuing to escalate myself, my son was matching my energy every step of the way. I first had to control myself before I could move forward to help my son not only learn how to control his own emotions (this is not innate knowledge), but also calmly find a resolution to the problem.

There are many strategies to emotional regulation, and this is something that should be practiced ahead of time, not in the moment. Deep breathing, taking a pause or break if needed, managing your self-talk, or seeing a different perspective are all immediate things you can do to manage your emotions.

2. Focus On the Issue, Not the Topic

The other day as I was going to bed, my husband said I wasn’t being very nice to him that day. I asked what I did that was not nice, and he couldn’t give me an answer. I thought back to what I had done to give him that impression: I worked all day, walked with a friend after work, made supper, did some volunteering work, and got ready for bed. What I quickly realized is that I had spent less time with him that day than I normally would (we walk together after work, eat supper together, then read or watch TV). What he was really trying to tell me was that he missed me.

I could have argued that I barely saw him, so how was I being mean? A fair argument, I think. However, trying to be right and making him feel wrong wasn’t going to make either of us feel better. After reflecting on it, I shared my thoughts and asked whether missing me was the real issue and the reason he felt I was mean. He agreed, so we talked about that and found a solution.

Sometimes other people struggle to identify what the main issue is, so we need to pause and think about it on their behalf. Here you want to be curious and focus on what they are really trying to say rather than the topic that was brought up. You can clarify what you think the issue is, and once you both agree, you can start to solve the problem.

3. Establish a Goal

In any argument or escalation, our primary outcome should be to maintain safety and connection. This could mean psychological, physical, emotional, social safety, etc. Whether the argument is with a coworker, partner, sibling, child, or stranger, we want both parties to feel heard, that they were part of the solution, and that they can forgive and be forgiven.

You will make choices in words, tones, actions, and commitments that will lead you to your goal. Knowing your goal ahead of time (wanting to remain friends, wanting to feel heard or respected, etc.) will also help you know when the conversation is finished.

Once you’ve identified the main issue, you can focus on a solution that strengthens your relationship and helps both people move forward. Feeling that you’ve reached a mutually beneficial outcome will help you not overthink the conversation afterwards.

4. Set Clear Boundaries

When our brain registers a threat (perceived or real), it conveniently taps into other experiences we’ve had related to the current threat and assesses how we should respond. This process is helpful when we don’t have time to consider many options and imminent danger is present.

The challenge is that when we are triggered by something, many other emotions and memories come flooding back. Someone may suddenly start saying, “Remember when you did this? And this? And this?” thinking it’s all related to the current situation. In an escalated situation, one topic may lead into five other issues! Yikes, that is overwhelming and not conducive to problem-solving.

Another strategy to avoid a power struggle and reduce frustration is to keep the conversation limited to one issue at a time. If you’ve been able to stay calm, identify the main issue (not the topic), and set a goal for resolution, it becomes much easier to establish boundaries and focus only on that issue. If someone goes off topic and brings up other challenges, calmly ask them to focus on one thing at a time. You care about the other issues, but you can’t address them all at once. Recounting past feelings and experiences tends to re-escalate emotions, so maintaining focus and boundaries can help stabilize emotions for everyone involved.

Learn more about the

Cycle of Escalating Cooperative Behaviour

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Pulling It All Together

Healthy disagreements, conflict, de-escalation efforts, and difficult conversations rarely end well when one person wins and the other loses. Power struggles built around winning and losing are often damaging to relationships. Cooperation, mutual respect, compassion, and caring should be at the forefront of any relationship you have (even if it’s with a stranger, co-worker, or family member).

If you are entering into an escalated situation, your first step is to control your own emotions and reactions, then you can focus on the other person to really hear what they are trying to say. When you can name the real issue, you’re much more likely to find a resolution that strengthens the relationship rather than one that damages it. Don’t forget to consciously forgive others (and yourself), so that you don’t harbor resentment, and you can learn from this experience how to do things differently.

You can’t always avoid difficult conversations or escalated situations, but you can influence the outcome with a solid approach.

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Key Takeaways

• Most arguments aren’t really about the topic being discussed. They’re often driven by deeper emotions, fears, or unmet needs.
• Power struggles usually make escalated situations worse, not better.
• Before trying to calm someone else down, take a moment to manage your own reactions.
• Curiosity helps uncover what’s really going on beneath the surface.
• Knowing your goal ahead of time can keep difficult conversations on track.
• Maintaining safety, respect, and connection is often more important than being right.
• Clear boundaries help prevent one issue from turning into five separate arguments.
• Healthy conflict isn’t about winning. It’s about finding a way forward together.

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